Saturday, December 25, 2010

Stuck Stagnant Unfulfilled

I feel stuck. I feel stagnant. I feel unfulfilled. Today is Christmas and I woke up feeling just okay. When I was a kid, I was always so eager to get to bed xmas eve because I couldn't wait to wake up xmas morning and open all my gifts. I woke up and wasn't excited about today. Where has that excitement for life gone? I miss it and I want to find it again. I met my family in the living room and I sat there as my mom passed me gift after gift after gift after gift. I was satisfied with the first gift I opened....mascara, a book, and chocolate. My mom kept handing me gifts and I started to cry because I was so overwhelemed with all this "stuff"
I am so grateful that I received everything I needed/wanted and more, but it's like I didn't really care about it. There was no "thing" that I received that gave me that feeling of.....excitement. My excitement for life has disappeared. I want a challenge, I want to do something adventurous, something big, something new. Sometimes I feel like I need to get away. Should I? Maybe I need to explore myself a little more and figure out what I really want with my life. Maybe I dont need to figure anything out and I need to go with the flow. What is it?? I don' know!!

 Life is easy right now, I get everything I want, I have everything I want and more. But why aren't I satisfied. I sometimes wonder how rich people feel. I feel like my life is enriched with all this great stuff, but why aren't I so happy. Is anyone ever really happy. Does anyone ever really know what they're doing with there life? Does anyone ever really know what they want? Some say yes and some say no. What is the answer? It's as if I want to see a psychic for some guidance, but is that the easy way out? Why can't I just be present and in the moment with how I feel? I feel stuck and I don't know what to do.

Friday, December 17, 2010

The Shift

There's this shift going on in the universe and I think many people are feeling it. It seems that everyone I talk to is in search for something or depressed; questionning everything in their life or doesn't know what makes them happy anymore. After watching eat pray love, it was as if I saw similarities in myself as I did in the movie. If you feel the same, don't panic, lets reflect. I remember feeling really scared of what the outcome of my life would be based on how down I was feeling. I was scared of losing the things in my life that I already had or the unknown. What I have discovered is that it isn't anyone or anything in your life that is to blame for this feeling. We all want to figure it all out RIGHT NOW or find an excuse or something to blame, but in reality its just us. We are the ones going through something and the people in our life that are trying to understand us or are willing to emotionally support us are the people that love and care for us. Don't push them away.

This year was a year of questionning everything in my life. At one point I wanted to be by myself and move out on my own. Then I thought I needed to get away from my soulmate. Then I thought I needed new friends and a new job/career. I wanted to run away from everything at one point. What was it? The wisdom in me knew that running away wouldn't solve anything, but bring on feeling even more alone then I already had. I couldn't remember what made me feel good because I felt like I was living my life from other people's influences. Here are some of the things I started to do that brought me back to finding myself.
I started to meditate again every morning and if I didn't have the full 20mins in silence, then I said a prayer. I started to open up to the people I love and have had great long chats with them in hopes they would listen to what I had to say. They all did. I really realized how much I was loved during all this time because no one turned their back on me. I am so grateful for this :) I have been simplifying my life by not checking email everyday or not texting as much. I have been writing in my journal to vent and then decide afterwards if I choose to share it with who I need to. Sometimes its as if there are two of heart and then my mind...and when I follow my heart, I am so happy, but when my mind threw in those questionning or negative thoughts, I allowed it to control me as if it were another being. Without being negative towards myself, I've been looking into my eyes in the mirror and telling myself that I am beautiful, that I love myself, that I am great just as I am.
I have been using positive affirmations like, I am happy, I love life, I am joyous today, I go with the flow of life and trust that everything is working out for me. Although you may not feel that way, just affirming it over and over replaces those negative thoughts or the fear that's coming into your mind out of habit. BREAK THE HABIT. Its just like anything else. Thinking negtively or living in fear is a bad habit. 

Add a little singing, dancing, yoga, meditaton, prayer, listening to music, you time, family/friend time, pet time. Keep things simple. Go back to what made you happy when you were a kid and DO IT. Do it alone or with others...set yourself free. Express yourself  :)